The next step was authorizing our parents to start spreading the word which resulted in a string of phone calls from excited aunts and uncles. We made sure to call all of our grandparents first, and I even had the privilege of letting my great grandpa know that he was going to be a great great grandpa.
In the back of my mind, I thought about what it would be like to have to get the bad news to all of these people if something terrible were to happen, but I always managed to ignore this concern. I felt like waiting to tell people meant that I didn't believe the pregnancy would make it, and I wanted to have faith. This is what I told myself when a friend at my parents' church heard "the announcement" and found a moment to talk with me privately. She said, "You should be careful about telling too many people too early. You just never know what will happen." But we forged ahead.
Meanwhile, we were starting to do some prep work. We made our first trip to Babies 'R Us to price cribs and changing tables and to brainstorm nursery themes. We started researching daycares and we even went on a couple of tours with a long list of questions in hand regarding everything from fire drills and passed inspections to diaper and formula storage logistics. After deciding how we would rearrange our home in order to accommodate a nursery, we even started work on the basement storage area that would become an office/guest room.
During this busy time, I also had my first ultrasound and new OB appointment. Joe was there for this, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'll never forget that afternoon and that dark little room where we fell in love with our little baby, wiggling around in black and white and shades of gray on the screen. I had tears in my eyes the whole time, but I could only laugh. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. The baby was 1.73 cm long from crown to rump, a little smaller than expected (which pushed our due date back three days). We watched as its heart beat like the flutter of a little wing, 167 beats per minute. The sonographer even showed us some really great 4D Real Time views before handing us our printed pictures.
After the ultrasound, the rest of the appointment was uneventful.On the way home, I reached into my purse and pulled out the pictures again. I studied the "4D" images in particular, and I was bothered by one thing--on both pictures, behind the baby's neck, there was this dark, round structure that the sonographer had not identified. "What do you think that is?" I asked Joe, pointing at the dark spot. He told me not to worry, and I didn't for too long. I didn't know that the answer to my question would eventually appear in a radiologist's official read-out of our ultrasound, and I never suspected that a dark spot would shed light on our baby's fate.
Eventually, as everything unraveled, I found myself resenting the fact that no one had really talked to me about this ultrasound finding. In all honesty though, that resentment didn't last very long. I don't think I was supposed to know--knowing would have made me crazy.
Besides, I think that denial was an important theme during our pregnancy, although I haven't decided whether this was good or bad. Let me explain. It was around ten weeks or so when I began to bleed. I was rotating through Internal Medicine and working at the VA Hospital on the day that I discovered this disturbing symptom. It was just a small amount, so I decided to keep an eye on it. As time went on, I found that it would come and go. Every time that it came back, it was gone again before I was concerned enough to call the doctor. This pattern continued for several days before reality finally struck.
It was a Friday evening, and Joe and I were at our friends' apartment making "the announcement," just hanging out. Everyone was watching TV when I excused myself and my pregnant bladder. I went into the bathroom and suddenly realized that I was bleeding significantly more. I was about to panic, but I told myself to breathe. I went back out and started complaining that I suddenly didn't feel well. Soon after, we said our goodbyes, and I waited until we reached the car to tell Joe what was going on. Now I felt safe panicking, and Joe let me cry while still reminding me to breathe.
When we got home, I checked again and the bleeding had stopped, but I knew that it was time to call someone. At first, I got the answering service. They paged my doctor (she was on call that night), and she called back within a few minutes. When I began to tell her my story, she was immediately concerned, but we agreed that it was not necessary for me to be seen in the ER that night. She told me what to do and what to watch for and asked that I come in to the office as soon as it opened on Monday morning. Finding out that my situation was not emergent gave me some reassurance. I went to bed that night and remembered a text message that I had received from a friend earlier that day--"New song - Airplanes - Hayley Williams and B.o.B." That song is now completely overplayed, and I realize that it's kind of cheesy, but I probably listened to it twelve times that night. "I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."
I was scheduled to work at the VA that weekend, so I rounded on my patients the next morning. After the attending dismissed our team, I caught one of the residents in the hallway. I tried to ask her my question without crying, but I broke down--"Do you know if first trimester bleeding is ever normal?" I just needed some hope, some reassurance. Later that afternoon, she called me on my cell phone while Joe and I were at the hardware store. She told me to take the rest of the weekend off and do whatever I needed to do for myself--she had spoken with our attending who actually thought I should be seen in an ER. I hung up the phone and started to cry right there at Lowe's, in the plumbing aisle, next to our shopping cart. Denial could only get me so far, and I was starting to realize that I had reached the end of its potential. Now I could only trust and pray and wait for Monday morning.
(What I'm listening to right now...)
Alison Krauss and Union Station Lonely Runs Both Ways
No comments:
Post a Comment